If you have some time to kill…enjoy this random fight between two strangers.
I got this from: http://batteriesfeelincluded.blogspot.com/2009/05/309.html
Feel free to comment there.
So, you’re in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn’t have sex with you anyway.
What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.
Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend’s house.
Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
Step Six: Enter your friend’s bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
Step Eight: When she asks you what’s happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it’s September 15th she will say ‘September 15th’ to which you must reply ‘No, what year is it?’
Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words ‘It worked.’ Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask ‘What worked?’, even if she doesn’t ask this question it is important that you now say the words ‘(Insert Friend’s Name), I’m from the future’ in your most deadpan voice.
Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you’ve come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.
Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.
Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part – The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:
a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It’s up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You’ve come back in time because you can’t help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn’t been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future
Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.
Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren’t about to have sex with her. You’re naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you’ve had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.
Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.
Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:
1) During the sex some feelings that she didn’t know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren’t entirely sure if what you’ve done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.
I found a hilarious site and I just had to share it real quick.
Let Me Google That For You. We have all done it.. people ask a question, you ask them if they googled it, or you google it and pretend to be a smartypants with your reply.
This is a great way to be cocky about saying “USE THE SEARCH BUTTON NOOB.”
I love it.
I literally cried watching this… so funny!
As long as I can remember I have been living in what seems to be some sort of secret lake with a thin coating of mud on the top of it. I am talking about my yard. For some reason our yard doesn’t like to remain solid unless its a hot dry day. I hate winter because of this and the combination of having a rear wheel drive car. This year has thankfully been mild but almost any time I try to leave the house and its cold I just forget it. Take last week for instance; it rained, and then froze and was pretty crappy. That was all fine until three days later when its OK for everyone else, my driveway for some reason decides to turn into an ice rink. We even got new rock down on the driveway before winter and it still decided not to help. This also wouldn’t be so bad if the driveway wasn’t massive. Our driveway is about 1/4 of a mile long. This year I have been parking on the circle drive down the street and simply walking the rest of the way.
Last night did bring a bit of enlightenment however. I have always gotten the same speech over and over of “just get a new car with front wheel drive.” I like my car dammit, and front wheel drive isnt as fun as rear wheel drive is (haha!). Last night we got a pizza and I feared the worst but thought that an experienced delivery guy would be ok getting out. It had rained however all day that day and my yard was about the consistency of warm jello. The delivery guy got there without a problem and we all started to eat. I look out the window and see headlights, but usually you see them fade away right? Wrong. These headlights weren’t moving. I instantly laughed and said “Looks like the pizza guy is stuck” and I heard from the other room “Awww….shit….” from my step dad. I didn’t think it would be so bad, after all he had a tiny little car with front wheel drive. Well, I walked out there and to my supprise, the kid had buried his car all the way to the frame of the car. The bumper was literally laying on our driveway. What he decided to do, instead of back out the long drive like any sane person would do, he decided to turn around in the yard. Well as soon as he got into the yard, the mud started to lose him traction. Being the “smart” driver he was, he increased the RPM’s of the car and simply dug his tires deeper and deeper into the ground. I tried to push him but that was not even going to work. By that time my stepdad had came outside and had a bright idea of trying to tow the car out with a little Honda car he drives..wow, really think that’s wise?
Of Course that failed but instead of giving up, calling a friend with a 4×4 truck (we live in the Midwest, every 3rd person has one) he simply gave the rope some slack by backing up and then proceeded to gun it, gain speed and whip the stuck car. Well in my mind I saw only two things happening:
- The poor pizza guys bumper would fly off.
- The poor Honda’s bumper would fly off
Well to my suprise neither happened, the rope gave way and came flying by my face at near mach 5. It made a neat whipping sound and hit the car next to me. Neat, I didnt die.
I proceeded to leave and call someone with a truck, but the breaking rope didn’t stop the stepdad, no no, he wanted to give another whack at it. This time he had a plan, he went in the house and grabbed a knife to cut the rope shorter. You see the rope had alot of knots in it from other uses, this kept him from tieing it all the way to his car. So the rope didn’t snap, it just became untied… ghee I wish I would have known that before I offered to help and stand behind it.
Well fortunately this time he managed to pull the car out..right as my friend with the 4×4 showed up. Oh well, I treated him with pizza for the trip over anyhow.
Atleast once a winter I have to have my car drug out of our yard, I am tempted to go buy some of those giant stubby tires for a truck and fit them on my car ha ha.
Do any of you have a hard time in the winter? Sure does suck here, at least until I leave the yard.
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